In our beloved western societies we are very much goal oriented. Things are achieved mostly by communicating goals and commandments, together with a demand of fulfillment.
Since goal-orientation is everywhere it can be a challenge to even notice that it is constantly going on, and differentiate “normal” advice with advice that is actually helpful.
The peak of this sentiment of goal orientation really is Shia LaBeouf’s “Just do it". We may laugh about such extremes, but one way or another, this goal orientation is everywhere in our society.
Listening to westerners giving advice can thereby be quite comical. We often focus much more on the “what” rather than on the “how”. In discussing a matter we then tend to give each other commandments, together with a success story to prove that the commandment works. We share ideals and see if the other person can still nod their head, thereby agreeing to the goal.
The what is being discussed but the how is being left out.
But what is the consequence of leaving the “how” out of the picture? The “how” is very much the way to reach the goal, something like a tool. A goal without a tool to reach it must introduce stress - the alternative? Blind confidence. If somebody is not shook by commandment that is thrown at him, it displays his sense of blind confidence. The way is not clear, but confidence is there. It is this that we teach each other about the way of doing things: be confident.
It is in this context that I’ve been thinking about nouns and verbs.
It is very useful to in given a conversation with a westerner ask this question: Am I being given a noun here (a goal / commandment / ideal), or a verb (a tool how to get there)? If it’s the former, the other person is subliminally just asking for confidence. There is nothing else to respond with, because the actual subject of the matter is not being discussed.
If you are sensible enough to realize the stress which comes up with that new commandment, it may soothe you to know that this is normal. In this situation you can either:
- react with blind confidence
- realize what is going on and take a step back
On a deeper level you are not really discussing the matter at hand, but whether you can display confidence. That is a very easy thing to do. Of course you can be confident. But the actual tool of how to get to the goal will need to be forged later, possibly with somebody else, who is willing to share his process of doing things.
It is in this context that you will always be able to connect with people if you share your tools, your verbs, your way. The other intuitively knows that you are refraining from bullshitting him and yourself.
You are superficially and subliminally discussing the same thing. There are no two things going on at the same time. There is no bullshitting. It is this kind of conversation that brings calmness, peace, and displays your integrity. It also leaves room for joy, exploration and heartfelt discussions.
Give somebody a tool and you may have a friend. Give somebody a goal or commandment and you may have a sparring partner.